Have you ever felt so low, so scared, and worthless? Floating through your life day by day without any real growth or connection to anything or person. You put on a smile, just to avoid having to say "I'm okay" a thousand times a day. Everyone is either worried about you or have no clue that you're even dealing with this kind of depression and internal war with yourself. Now, imagine that you feel this way so much. You don't want to be alive anymore. Trust me, more of us understand a lot better than most.
What is Suicide?
Although we no longer use the word "suicide" as much as we use to, mainly because of the trigger that word can cause for people who have tried, know someone who has, or someone who succeed. Now, we use the term "unalive", it has the same meaning, but is a lot easier for some people to swallow. Of course this is the act of someone purposely ending their lives. Another term that is used is "exiting", this is used instead of suicide because it puts into perspective what happened, but it also preserves the individuals self-respect. Suicide can be caused by so many different elements or situations.
A lot of time people are overcome with depression, and feel like they cannot continue on. Often times we get in debt, we lose someone close to us, we lose an important opportunity. Hell, bullying is one of the second highest causes of suicide amongst children 13-18 years old. Maryland in 2021 had 620 deaths by suicide alone, based on information from www.cdc.gov. Based on my research most mental health professionals have stated that there has been about 50,000 deaths just last year due to "exiting", there is a mental health crisis in the U.S. that is the highest it's been since 1941. YES! 1941. Based on the rise of anxiety and depression in individuals, it doesn't seem to be getting better anytime soon. Suicide has increased by 30% from 2014-2019 in black people, and it has doubled in black women over men. Not saying that disrespectfully or to make women's lives seem harder. These are just facts. So what can we do?
My Battle with Suicide/Thoughts
Now, let's get a little personal. I have made attempts on my own life and I no longer feel ashamed about talking about it. I have done this twice, but backed out because I realized I have so much to live for, even if my life isn't extravagant but it was given to me by God. There are so many people younger than me, who have lost their lives to violence, sickness, and suicide. The first time, I took some of my grandma's sleeping pills. I ended up forcing myself to vomit, and no. My family still has no idea. I forced myself to throw up because my daughter knocked on the bathroom door, and when I heard that little voice say "Mommy" I broke down and felt so selfish for even considering leaving my baby behind. WHEWWWW! I am trying not to break down while typing this but I have come so far mentally. At that time I was living on my grandma's couch with my daughter, I didn't have a job because at 18, I couldn't keep one. We had lost everything in a fire, and I just felt hopeless. I had no real goals, I kept enrolling in new school programs but couldn't focus on the work, I just felt so low.
I came out of that though...until the second time. I was driving home, and pulled over to the side of the road, it was right after my grandma died, and I felt alone. I was full of grief, all I could think of was her dying alone after all she had done for our family but even worse I felt so selfish...again. I missed her, I hated that she was gone, but also that I never said goodbye. My mom is sick and far away then I lose my bestfriend. I wanted to die, I felt like I could not continue raising my kids on my own. Like a scared little girl. That shit went on for almost a year and a half, but I went to therapy and worked through my grief. Sometimes suicide or "exiting" crosses my mind. Life feels like too much all the time.
Bills, food, etc are increasing but pay rates aren't. Being a single mom with one stream of income, being in debt, being exhausted. While still trying to spend time with my kids, God, and give myself self care with little to no money and I work. I have a great job with DCPS, but it isn't enough. Do I get a second job? Spend even less time with my kids, missing church, ad life in general to work for others t ogive my money to others? Lol, adulting is hard but I am in a way better position than a lot of people I see everyday. So there is no running away.
So, what can we do?
My biggest advice is always to pray first. Find scriptures that you can meditate on. Try to stay off social media when you first wake up. Routines are helpful as well when I feel overwhelmed. Get as much sleep as your schedule allows, and do something you love, loved doing at one point. We have to fall in love with life again. It isn't always as hard as we think, if we take a step back and focus on our mental health. I know you've heard the saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup". Guess what, you can't. It's okay to be a lil selfish sometimes. Stop and get that snack you love and eat it away from your kids, lol. People need us, but more importantly, we need us. It's okay to be just okay, but don't give up.
Thank you for reading,
If you or someone you know are battling suicide or suicidal thoughts. Please call 1-800-950-6264 for the National Alliance on Mental Health. Now, during crisis we may not be able to remember that number and entering the word suicide in google isn't easy for all of us. So, you can also dial 9-8-8 for 24/7 direct access to mental health professionals while in crisis.
I hope this helps someone.
Peace and Love.
-Daisha Brown
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