Hi, I'm a Sex Addict: Introduction (Series 1 : Post 1)

     Hi, I'm Daisy and I am a sex addict. Whew! I honestly cannot believe I am saying that out loud, let alone posting it publicly. It feels really good, now that I am an adult and can make my own choices and have my own understanding of the world and myself as a part of it. It feels really good to speak my truth, and ask for help.

What is Sexual Addiction? 

    Sexual addiction. What does that even mean? Well, based on my extensive research, sex addiction or hypersexuality refers to excessive sexual thoughts, desires, urges or behaviors that can’t be controlled and cause distress and harm to your relationships, finances and other aspects of your life. (my.clevelandclinic.org)  Now, I know that's a lot to take in, but it's the truest definition I have found. True to me that is. I had no idea that this was a possibility for me. It was just a few months ago this year, that I sat down and looked up things on google. Searches like, "why am I always so horny?", "Am I a whore?" and it always came back to Sexual Addiction. I honestly cannot make this shit up.

Discovering my addiction

    I always had a feeling there was something different about me when I was about 13. My fascination with sex was overwhelming at that age. From staying up late watching soft core on Comcast, to having risky conversations with strangers my age (maybe) over chat lines. I always chucked it up to my teenage hormones, me being insecure about my looks, and using my body for certain attention. However, over the years, it had gotten bad. In my early 20's I think was the riskiest I had ever lived. Now, when I was growing up. I had a sexually adventurous mother. I mean, bunny ranch visits, a stripper pole in our living room, and a bag of toys the size of Shaq's suitcase. I watched my first real porno, not the soft core shit when I was fourteen. I use to sneak this one boy in my house, and dry hump him all the time. I was too scared for the real thing, but I was beyond interested in sex. It was specifically boys, I wanted girls too. Shit, I still do honestly. I lost my virginity at 16 years old, and it was the worst experience of my life! I laugh now, thinking back on it. I had no business leaving school with that egg headed boy, and having sex with him while my friends were downstairs waiting on me. It hurt like hell, but I will say I revisited that egg headed boy a few times after that years later, and it was some of the best sex I have had to this day. I won't say his name, for obvious reasons, but yeah. He was ugly, with a huge third leg and I traveled far and wide for it. Back to the topic at hand. I have had many interactions with the opposite sex, and back then I was really looking for long term. I hadn't had any real consistency in my life to even crave that kind of commitment. I wanted to feel whole, and for me sex did that. I was in control of my own body, and what I wanted done to it. In the bedroom, everything was okay for that moment. I wasn't alone, I didn't feel shy, or out of place. There were no insecurities, or responsibilities. Just me, him, and my next nut. I sound disgusting, don't I? I am not bothered by what other people think anymore. I am so very comfortable in my truth. I am not saying that this kind of behavior is okay, or even acceptable. I am merely stating that I know who I am after all these years of questioning my morality. Questioning my worth, or if anyone will ever be able to truly love someone like me. I have had good relationships with men who did love me, and I either ruined it with my emotions, or my inability to be okay with the mediocrity of our sex lives.

    I have cheated on good men, and been cheated on. I know that this kind of life is not ideal for a hopeless romantic like myself. I have met men who I truly believed I could be with and grow with. Turns out they could tell I had a problem and used that for their own intentions. I have never spoke aloud about any of this until I found myself begging my recent ex for forgiveness. I was caught in a situation where I was asked to give someone time and space to get themselves together. I wanted him then, and now. I couldn't wait for the affection I wanted, I couldn't wait for him to see me, and know that I was there to love him. So instead, I gave my body to another. No feelings attached, no love involved. Just really good, sex, and that was it. I am single, and didn't feel the need to expose these things to the ex. When he found out, I was called a whore, a hoe, a slut, and bitch and for a while I believed that. So I told him the truth finally. I am a sex addict, fighting everyday to combat the urges that come over my body. He was too hurt, and selfish to see that I had been hurting for a long time, and because I was so ashamed, I didn't tell anyone that could help me. I am none of those things. I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a friend, and so much more. I just so happen to also have an addiction to sex. Everyday is different, some days I don't want sex at all. Just companionship, and a love all my own. Being in a relationship now is easier for me than it has been in the past, but the thing is...not all men want someone that's hypersexual or overly affectionate in that regard.

    So now, I am in a place of healing myself. Inside and out. Do I want a man for myself? Yes! Do I also want to be with someone who understands me, loves me, and believes in my recovery? Yes. Do I want him to fuck me whenever I have the urge? Hell yes!

    I hope when you read this post, you don't find yourself repulsed. This is me speaking out, to those who don't know the severity of this disease and those who are battling it. You are not alone, there are people out here suffering in silence, suffering in shame of what people may think of them. Speak up, and let the people who love you, help you.

Til next time,

Daisy, yurfavsis